My Path...

I can't believe it has been over a year since I last posted on my blog. Although...it has been quite the interesting year, that is for sure. 2014 will be my year to start telling you more about my life and everything I have come to learn on my little journey. Let's kick this off with a little re-posting from my Facebook:



I have come to find the answer to life to be rather simple. It's all energy. We know this, but as a whole, do not embrace this. We are stuck in this rut of unhappiness that gets worse by the day.


I have learned who I am, in and out down to the simplest of explanations, and learned to accept it. Learned the why's of the things that I do, the ways that I feel what I feel. I have learned the source of my depression, and through the cognitive effort to change, have stopped scapegoating my reality. I dominate those subconscious tendencies with the foresight, of unwanted consequences from "wrong actions/thoughts", to do the right thing.

2013 was a year of complete reset in my life. The directions I was going in years prior, finally came to a screeching halt, as if to say "Hey Dumbass, yer doin it wrong". (I really wasn't doing life wrong, as everything happens for a reason. I was learning. I am still learning.) My time at the rock yard came to an end. This was hard for me as it was a over a decade of my life. And it was FUN. Rocks, tractors, dirt, oh my. I also ended my time at v103. In hindsight, being in the radio/local music scene was more about learning/feeling/understanding societal woes, for me. Anything from the need for Arts programs in schools, to trying to 'make it' in an overly saturated market place, to what the modeling/vanity industry is doing to women (deeepression), but most of all, that people are f**king sad everywhere. It was very overwhelming for me. I have learned that, cognitively, I am driven to help the world. If I am not helping in some way, I beat myself up for it. Deeepression.


I spent a lot of effort on trying to be informed about current world issues and make educated contributions to logical discussion. (Didn't/doesn't always work for me because I am too idealistic. Too dreamy. I envision peace so easily that I get frustrated that others wont just come and play with me.) It's hard to embark upon the two party 'democratic' failing system. It's hard to convince people that money enslaves us. It's hard to convince people to be ecologically responsible. It's hard to convince people to "just say no to Big Pharma". It's hard to convince people to stop eating McDonald's. It's hard to convince people that 'babies having babies' is a root cause of a lot societal disadvantage. It's hard to convince people to see eye to eye. Everyone is on edge ready to go at each other's throats for 'being different, yet not accepting others differences, yet equally wanting the freedom to be so'. Why?? Doesnt that seem so...draining?


I am getting my FREE education on in an effort to be better versed in facts and theories. Kinda tired of not being able to debate on account that i have nothing to reference. Makes me feel like an idiot...which I'm not. Deepression. I have this vision, in which life is so stinkin simple, but i have to cross some hurdles to get there. I want to bridge the gap between science and spirituality. Help heal all the 'being different' -isms. I want to make strides in the ways we view mental illness and the methods in which we treat it, for that too, I find to have simple solutions. I need to prove my theories, in a scientific fashion, conducting research and studies. It's going to be a long road for me, as it's an about face from my Business Degree pursuits, but it's already fulfilling it's purpose in it's infancy stages.


So that's pretty much all I can think about anymore. It's what gives me motivation to accomplish things throughout the day. Gives me motivation to embrace art and all the things that make life FUN. It gives me motivation to be the change. The world is about to have a reset of it's own soon, and I just want to be ready to help heal it.

***Many of you have been willingly participating in my ongoing research, and for that I am grateful. (Many famous and influential people have been participating too, but they dont know that :p ) Some of you I talk to on a regular basis about my findings, and soon, I will be able to go over my research with everyone. It's quite amazing to me really, and I have never geeked out so hard over anything in my entire life. Even my husband, who has to listen to my frequent ramblings, has become versed in some of the terminology as a result. Hehe. ***

To be or not to be...a parent.

I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job. ~ Roseanne Barr

 

Reflecting on my experience as a mom arouses so many deep rooted emotions that are sometimes hard to swallow or even acknowledge. I was definitely not ready to be a mom at 19... I didnt have much direction from my parents on how to be a responsible adult, let alone be a mom. I can still remember the sheer look of disappointment on their faces when I told them the news and how I felt marked with that scarlet letter of shame. Not much changed out in public while a baby was toting around a baby...grocery stores, doctors visits...friends.

The day I had my oldest,  I put on a big smile and happy face for all the visitors that came and went, but I remember not wanting to hold him and not having any emotional connection to him at all. This made me feel guilty because instinctively I knew that this thing was supposed to be the love of my life. He was a part of me...the fruit of my loins, but I somehow resented the very fact that he was there. That night, after everyone was gone and it was just me and him, I forced myself to hold him...to inspect him...to soak in the miracle before me. Tears began to stream down my face as the warmth of love I felt for this tiny little creature filled my heart.

It is a very weird emotional dilemma to have unconditional love for a child and have the desires to dick around like the rest of your friends. On the outside, you portray enthusiasm to be the best mom ever and prove every one wrong on the baby raising babies theory, but on the inside, you are tormented on the life lost and the adventures not taken with your premature responsibility endeavor. (The funny part is...I never realized that this was how I was feeling until years down the road.)

I didnt just stop there. Nooooo! I did it again and was knocked up on my 21st birthday. While all my friends were out getting legally shit-faced on their birthdays, I was at home, sitting on the couch stuffing my face with junk food cravings. Oddly enough tho, I was in love with being pregnant with my daughter. There was some sort of extra estrogenized hormone therapy going on inside that gave me delight. After she was born tho...depression was starting to sink back in. Maybe not depression...maybe just resentment that kept me from fully engulfing them with love. I didnt neglect them, mind you...they had food, baths, diapers changed, affection and other essentials...my mind was just always on me. How MY needs werent being met yet these little shits got all of theirs... LOL. maaaaan...so selfish! 

I had my third at 24. Having a baby, at this point, was kind of routine. I didnt have to learn how to change a diaper or make a bottle or support the neck...because now it was all so engrained. But ooooh holy shit...having 3 kids is insane ( i cant imagine having more). They ALL need your attention ALL of the time. While I did love each of them and tried to be good by them, I still felt so detached. I hadnt quite figured out how to juggle parenthood and find my place in society. I neglected myself and my needs. Hell...I didnt even know who myself was nor what the hell I needed! I was completely lost. 

Then...life drastically changed. Enough was enough with my love life (an entirely different chapter in my book)  and I became a single mom of 3 in '08. It was like I suddenly woke up and saw outside the box for a change. Finding the compass I so desperately needed soon followed...